knock knock.

The lights were out when I got home, which wasn't really a surprise. I threw my keys over my shoulder and headed into the kitchen. There was a note on the kitchen counter from Mum. I didn't read it, cause I knew what it was gonna say. Something about working late with Dad, and leftovers from last night.

"So, what's they're excuse today?" she said as she set herself on the kitchen counter. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the kitchen. "I'm freakin' talking to you." She yelled from the counter top. Like I cared if she was talking to me. I bent down to pick up my keys and when I looked up, she was standing over me, my heart stopped and I backed away. She shook her head and smirked down at me. "You're not here, just, leave. Now." I muttered as I threw the keys at her face. She ducked and took a step closer.

"I'm not here?" She asked, with a hint of amusement in her voice. She tilted her head and met my eyes. I nodded and stared right back. You're not here, you can't be here, get out of here, no one's here. "Sit down Jen." She whisphered. I stood still and I could feel my breath stop in my throat. My heart pounded in my chest, my hands shook even when I balled them up. And she knew I was so scared I could have died right there. I wish I did.

"I said," she whispered, "Sit your butt down." I stumbled backwards into the couch, cutting the back of my legs on the coffee table on the way. "Do you always have to be so damn stubborn Jen?" She asked as she looked down at me. "If you're not gonna talk to me, let me at least tell you a couple of things." I sat and put my feet on the edges of the glass coffee table.

"I am here, Jen." She said pacing up and down. "I'll always be here." Then she stopped pacing, and my heart stopped. "Because under that Oh-I'm-So-tough stuff you've been putting up, I know who you really are. Isn't that right, Jennybean?" I held my breath and counted to 10, but it didn't help. I balled my fists and counted to 10 again. Nothing.

"Don't call me that." I muttered. She smiled, and this time I couldn't take it.
"It's not funny."
"Who said it was?"
"Stop smiling."
"I'll do whatever the hell I want. And I'll call you whatever the hell I want, got it?"

There was a scream. The coffee table went up and came down all over the place. There was glass everywhere. On the couch, on the floor, in my hands. My hands shook, my feet ached and I looked at the mess, breathless. "I'm gonna kill you." I yelled.

"You can't kill me, I'm not even here, remember?" And she was gone.

I curled up on the couch, with my hands full of glass and I counted to 10.

1, my hands hurt like hell.
2, what am I gonna tell my mum.
3, who gives a shit.
4, I don't give a shit.
5, I wonder if I've lost it.
6, Whatever.
7, I'll say we were robbed.
8, I
9, don't
10, care.

And then it was dark.

How they met (and other short stories)

There were always 2 significant people in my life. There was Matthew, and there was Lyla. Matthew, well, he was, is, my brother. He was 20 when he died, and he lived in a loft in the city with a bunch of guys he called his "band". Matthew had issues, big ones, small ones, any ones. He just had issues. But Matthew had a philosophy. When I was small, he'd wrap his huge hands around mine and he'd make me sit and listen to his philosophy. He used to tell me that if I was good, I'd get everything I ever dreamed one day. He told me if I loved everyone I met as much as he loved me, there was no way the big guy in the sky could keep anything from me. And I'd smile. Not because I believed him, not because he called me JennyBean, but because he was my big brother, and because I knew that he loved me. He used to call me up at night and invite me over for drinks with his "band" eventhough I was 2 years under the legal drinking age. Dad never liked the idea of me hanging around Matthew, and I didn't care. One night Matthew insisted he drive me home, but he'd been totally wasted. "Let you go home alone? Are you crazy JennyBean?" he slurred twirling his keys around his boney finger. "I'd be crazy to let you drive me home after that 100th drink you downed before we left. I'll be fine." I said as I waited for a cab. "Just this once Jennybean, I promise, please?" He begged as he jingled his keys around my head. I sighed and walked over to his beat up mini van. I remember how he'd come home one summer afternoon, glowing with pride in his new-old mini van. Her name's Lola, and she had a huge peace sign spray painted on the side of her sliding doors. On the boot, it read "The Frienemies" in messy drunken script. That's what Matthew's "band" was called, and they all made me smile. There was Rob on the guitar, Alex on the drums, and Ethan on the bass, but everyone called him ET. ET was Matthew's best man-friend. That's what they called each other.

Matthew slid the door open for me, and before I knew it he grabbed me and swung me over his shoulder. He silently set me a top one of his amps and closed the door without a word. I sat behind watching him sweet talk Lola into starting up. "Come on baby I need you now, I need you now, I, need, you, now." He sang as he slammed his hands against the steering wheel. I heard the engine roar and I saw my brother slump back into the driver's seat. "Never fails me." He sighed happily. Matthew drove slowly, and carefully. He'd stop once in a while and say something about me taking the wheel, but we both knew that it wasn't going to happen. Just then I heard Matthew yell at me to get down, at first I thought it was the alcohol talking but then he jumped over his seat and hugged me and whisphered "Jennybean I said get down." And it was something in that split second before that truck came crashing into the side of Lola, that I knew that I was never going to see Matthew ever again. And in ways I guess I was right, and I guess I was wrong.

I saw him at the funeral. But I knew it wasn't Matthew. His hair had been slicked back with gel, and they'd covered up the scars with some cakey concealer. It drove me crazy, it drove me freakin mad. I wanted him to move, I want him to wipe that shit off his face. I wanted Matthew, I wanted my Matthew. "It's me," I whisphered, "It's Jennybean" and he said nothing. But of course he couldn't say anything. And at the funeral I cried, for everyone in my family. I cried for my Dad who didn't say a word, and I cried for my Mum, who just sat there and I cried for days after that. One night ET came over and he sang me a song Matthew and I used to sing when he and I were kids.

Miss Lucy had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell.

And I cried when I thought of Matthew clapping along to the beat.

Miss Lucy went to heaven,
the steamboat went to
Hello Operator,

And I cried when I thought about Matthew and the big guy in the sky.

Give me number 9,
and if you disconnect me,
I'll chop off your,
behind the 'fridgerator,
there was a piece of glass,
Miss Lucy sat upon it,

and I swore that piece of glass was wedged in my heart.

and cut her big fat,
Ask me no more questions,
and I'll tell you no more lies.

And I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't, I don't know. I just couldn't be Jennybean anymore.

Call it what you'd like.

"How do you feel today Jen?" She asked. Her voice was airy, it carried a sense of comfort in something, or nothing, or everything. I wasn't sure. But then again, I hardly cared. I sighed and I looked ahead. "I feel the same." I replied. I still looked ahead. Her office was nice, I guess, if you cared about that sort of thing. "That's not enough Jen, and you know it." I smiled to myself, or to her, I wasn't sure. "So what do you want to hear?" I asked. I saw her tug on the hem of her skirt as she straightened her back. "I want you to tell me how you feel, Jen." I smiled again, but this time I wasn't smiling at anyone. "Why are you smiling dear? Is there something funny?" She asked, with a slight edge to her voice. "Nothing at all mam. Nothing at all." I shook my head to get her voice out of my mind. "Jeniffer," She sighed. "It's Jen. Mam." I interrupted. "Jen," She repeated as she smoothed her hands over her skirt. "Why don't we talk about something else?" I nodded and stared at my beat up converse. "How's Lyla?" She asked slowly, as if she were afraid to offend me.

Lyla. She rang in my head, her blonde hair was so soft and pale, it was like a halo. She was a devil, with a halo. How sick was that? How damn sick was that.

"She's gone." I replied as I shook my head. Get out of my mind. Get out. "Where did she go?" She asked trying to meet my eyes. I stared at my beat up converse again. "I don't know, mam, but it doesn't really matter does it?" She shook her head and sighed. "Tell me about her, tell me about Lyla."

What wasn't there to say about Lyla? She was a beautiful disaster. She was everything I wanted to be. She was sharp tongued, and she didn't care. She had me wrapped around her little pinky, and she knew it. She knew that without Lyla, there would be no Jen, if there was even a Jen to begin with. Lyla was 3 things. She was beautiful, fun and trouble. And it either made you love her, or fear her. And in my case, both.

"She's, everything." I sighed. This made her sigh too. She looked at me, then looked away, out her window. "She's everywhere and anywhere." I continued. She put her pen and paper down and leaned back into her huge leather office chair. I held my breath, and waited for her reply.''

"From what I've heard, dear," She said slowly, as if I wouldn't understand. "is that she's mostly up here." She said as she pointed to her head. I held my breath for 20 more seconds. "Honey, don't be angry." She whispered. I wasn't angry. "Please say something." I wasn't gonna say anything, not till I felt like it. She sighed and took my hand in hers. "She's not real, Jen, don't you see?" I smiled and I looked at her. "But mam, that's what makes it so hard." She nods, and I ask if that's all for today. She nods and I gather my stuff. And as I pushed past the huge oak doors, I knew she was there.

"So where exactly did I go?" She said as she got up from her chair.
"I don't know, away, whatever." I said as pressed the elevator button.
"Honey if you don't want me around just say it." She said as she reached out to smooth my hair.
"Alright, I don't want you around." I replied, staring straight ahead.
"Jen, baby, do you mean it?" She smiled and twirled her hair around her finger. I closed my eyes and sighed. "Come on honey, yes or no?" She sang into my ear. I punched the elevator button and shook my head. "Well that's what I thought." She said as the lift door opened up for us. I didn't reply, I didn't say anything as the lift brought us down. "Jen," she whispered. I looked at her, into her deep piercing violet eyes. And my heart sank. "What?" I replied. "Who am I?" She asked. I sighed and shook my head, shook it so I wouldn't have to hear her. "Who am I, Jen?" We'd been through this before. "You're Lyla." I sighed. "And?" She sang. I opened my mouth but I couldn't say it, so she did for me. She leaned in close and grabbed my chin.

"And you need me. Got it?"